Why does Randy Cohen hate America?

March 19, 2006

Randy Cohen

In this week’s Sunday Magazine Randy Cohen bores me to death with his first response to a wordy lawyer who uses six separate pronouns in the first sentence which is, by the way, missing a dangling conjunction in the beginning (“An attorney with experience in paternity-fraud case, I was called by a man dating a divorced woman…”) I’m making this shit up from 7th grade grammar-memory and it still sounds better than this sorry lady… Sorry in Hartford Indulging Tediousness.

The second question has a lot more zip to it.

Ahhh, gaming an Ivy League school in Philadelphia (cough! U cough! Penn). You see, Jill Blow wants to know if it was ethical for a fellow student of hers to gain admission to the prestigious Business School by way of agreeing to join some dumb sports team and then dropping out after the first practice. Some people think, Jill tells us, this track drop-out unethically gamed the college admissions to get where she really wanted to be: U Penn Business School.

Randy tells Jill that the college admissions game is a corrupt one, so chill out and stop acting like you just graduated from a prep school with top honors in hall monitoring. Or, that’s what he wish he could say. This is one of the few times I agree with Randy, but he doesn’t see the forest for the trees.

The ethical problem is not that someone got into U Penn Business School with a little help from a perhaps (Jill doesn’t say) unfulfilled sports scholarship. The problem is that one more person is going to attend the upper echelon of Business Schools in the world’s sole super-power which manifests that power through international business. Get that girl out of Business School and back onto the circuit pronto before she devalues the currency of some impoverished nation or orchestrates the next wave of relaxation of air pollution laws. Everyone knows business schools are full of jerks with Napoleonic Complexes (Complices?) and the ratio of jerks to decent, well-meaning people only increases as the selectivity of the school and the youth of the student increases. We don’t know much about this girl’s age, but when’s the last time you heard of someone over 30 getting a lead on a prestigious college track team?

What will Randy have in store for us next week? I hope, I hope it’s about computer software.

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